


A Child In A Man's Clothing

by Enigma_TM



Series: Musket Shots [4]
Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Another dialogue-only fic, Boys Being Boys, Epic Bickering, Gen, Historical Inaccuracies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 12:50:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17183315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enigma_TM/pseuds/Enigma_TM
Summary: The Musketeers are held hostage by bandits but that is not the biggest worry for Aramis.





	A Child In A Man's Clothing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Luthien17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luthien17/gifts), [RitaMarx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RitaMarx/gifts).



"This is all your fault."

"Really, Aramis?"

"Really, d'Artagnan."

"If my memory serves me right, the four of us are locked in this hellhole because  _you_  gave away our position to the highwaymen by jumping down from the tree, like a baboon scratching itself with abandon."

"Na, 'Mis was lookin' more like a ballerina wit' ants stuck in the dress."

"I'll have you imbeciles know that it really were those vermins responsible for my fall from grace... I mean, the tree."

"Well, wha' did ya expect while stuffin' yer coat pockets with half a warehouse of toffees?*"

"A necessary action, if I needed to prevent d'Artagnan and his predatory mouth from ransacking my saddle bags of my hard-gained treasure. So you see now why I was blaming d'Artagnan for our predicament?"

"What gives you more right over those toffees than any of us?"

"You forget, d'Artagnan, that it was my unique and irresistible charm that secured us those confectioneries."

"Yeah, I bet ya had to _sweat_ it out of the confectiner's daughter."

"Erm...in a way, you can say that, Porthos."

"B..but what happened to the Musketeer motto? 'One for All'?"

"I was actually living up to the spirit of 'All for One' in that case."

"Pity it was all for nothin'. The bandits plundered yer stash anyway."

"I swear to God when I get my hands-"

"Shut up! All of you!"

"Seriously, Athos? Are you so insensitive towards the agony in my heart?"

"For heaven's sake Aramis, here we are at the mercy of bandits in the middle of God knows where, our lives hanging by a thread and you expect me to mourn the loss of your sweet delicacies?!"

"I wonder what those highwaymen want from us."

"Isn't it obvious d'Artagnan? Our captors want to play ring around the rosie with us."

"Thanks, Aramis. That's so not amusing."

"Ha! Can any of ya imagine Athos playin' ring aroun' the rosie?"

"Yes, I can. It would be an incredible sight to behold as there would be elephants flying and pigs raining from the heavens around him."

"But thanks to your stupidity, none of us will live long enough to see that day."

"Are you done, Porthos? I will go stark mad if I listen to their puerile exchange a moment longer."

"See you in a loonie house, Athos."

"You and Aramis make me feel like I am already in one."

"Don't worry, I'm almos' there, mate. Our hare-brained brothers won't put a dent on yer precious sanity. Not today."

_*CLICK!_

"Ha! Didn't I tell ya all tha' my baby never fails me?"

"Please hurry up, Porthos! There still might be some of those toffees left."

"..."

"..."

"I am not a man given to superstition but for the past five years, I have been often left to wonder if some sorcerer has indeed trapped a three-year-old inside your body."

_Several hours later, on the way to Paris:_

"Will you stop doing that?"

"Stop what, Athos?"

"Sulking."

"Oh, so you are the sole person entitled to be grumpy?"

"Whe' Athos sulks, he does it like a proper, grown-up man, usually whe' he's drunk half the bar dry the last night. You're lookin' like a tot who's lost his favorite sweet, 'Mis."

"Yo..you...How dare you add insult to my injury?!"

"Then stop looking like someone has died."

"You are an insufferable, heartless lot. I am going to scout the area ahead."

_A minute later:_

"Athos?"

"Yes, d'Artagnan?"

"Did you...?"

"Hmm... safe inside my saddle bag. I wonder why he never noticed."

"Should you not tell him then?"

"Eventually. After we have helped ourselves to some of these confectioneries, I will of course hand over the rest to him."

"He's gonna be mighty displeased abou' it."

"Can I have one now?"

"You are not much better than Aramis. Hold on... what? How can..."

"Wha' happened?"

"This... How can those just vanish? Wait...this bag is  _not_ mine."

"The 'ell do ya mean?"

"He tricked me! He  _tricked_ me!"

"Well...damn."

_On the other hand:_

"*CHOMP* Mmmmmm. *CHOMP* Idio'sh *CHOMPCHOMPCHOMP* wa'thed tho *CHOMP* foo' me."**

**Author's Note:**

> *Yes, yes I know it will be another 170+ years before toffee makes an appearance but I'm gonna pull out my artistic license for that ;)
> 
> **Translation (Because it can be a tad difficult to read): "Idiots wanted to fool me."


End file.
